If you’re co-parenting with an emotionally abusive ex after a grey divorce, let me say this clearly:
You are not imagining it. You are not oversensitive. And you are definitely not alone.

Many midlife women assume that co-parenting shouldn’t be a major issue after 50 — after all, the kids are older, more independent, or even out of home. But here’s the reality no one warns you about:

Even when the children are teenagers or in their twenties, you still need to communicate about money, logistics, emergencies, family events, graduations, holidays…
And when your ex thrives on conflict, control or chaos?
Every one of those conversations becomes a battlefield.

Let’s dismantle the myths and give you tools that actually work.

Why “normal co-parenting advice” fails with an abusive ex

Most advice assumes both parents are reasonable humans.
But when your ex plays games, twists conversations, shifts blame, or tries to assert control?

• “Find common ground” becomes you doing all the emotional labour

• “Let the past go” becomes ignoring ongoing bad behaviour

• “Compromise for the children” becomes you sacrificing your sanity

You’re not failing at co-parenting.
You’re dealing with someone who doesn’t want peace — they want power.

That changes the rules of engagement.

The Peacekeeper’s Dilemma: When Staying Calm Costs Too Much

You’ve spent years trying to keep the peace, especially for the children.
But here’s the hard truth:

Emotionally abusive individuals weaponise your calmness.
The more you bend, soften, explain, or accommodate…
…the more they push.

This isn’t because you’re weak.
It’s because you’re dealing with someone who respects boundaries only when they hit a wall.

So let’s give you one.

Healthy Boundaries for High-Conflict Co-Parenting

You don’t need to bulldoze.
You just need clarity, structure and consistency.

Start with small, controlled boundaries:

• Set fixed communication windows

• Stick to child-related topics only

• Use short, factual replies – emotion-free

• Shift communication to written platforms

• Stop justifying your decisions

Will your ex respect these?
Not always.
But boundaries aren’t about controlling them.
They’re about protecting you.

And every boundary you set builds emotional safety for your children as well.

Managing Your Stress Response

Co-parenting with a toxic ex is exhausting because your body is constantly bracing for the next hit — the next argument, the next guilt trip, the next twist of the knife.

Your stress response isn’t a flaw.
It’s a nervous system trying to keep you safe.

But here’s what will help:

• A deep breath before responding

• A short walk after conflict

• A quick grounding exercise

• Emotional regulation tools

• Supportive conversations with safe people

This isn’t about “letting them win”.
It’s about refusing to let them dominate your emotional world.

Your children need one steady parent — and that’s you.

Finding Calm in the Chaos

You don’t have to be perfect.
You don’t need to handle everything with saint-like patience.
You simply need tools, clarity, and a little bit of coaching support.

Because you deserve to feel stable, supported and in control — even when your ex is trying to pull you back into the old patterns.

And trust me, there are ways to co-parent with far less pain than you’re feeling right now.

If you need guidance, boundaries, emotional support or strategies… we can help.

We’ve coached thousands of midlife women through this exact challenge.

👉 Get information on how we can help you here:
https://bit.ly/m/Women-On-Transition

You don’t need to navigate a high-conflict co-parenting situation alone.
You deserve peace, power and emotional freedom — and we can get you there.

By Fiona May – Women On Transition