When you divorce in your twenties or thirties, the world assumes the children will struggle.
But when you divorce in your fifties or sixties, the world assumes your children are “old enough to cope.”

Let me tell you the truth no one says aloud:

Adult children feel their parents’ divorce just as painfully — only more quietly, and often more deeply.

They may be 18, 27, 35…
But the ground beneath them still shifts.

Because when a long-term marriage ends, it’s not just your future that changes — it rewrites their past.

Suddenly, they question everything they believed about their family, their childhood, their stability… even their own relationships.

So let’s walk through how to support them without carrying their emotions — and without sacrificing your own healing.

1. Understand Their Emotional Earthquake

Adult children often experience:

• Shock (“I thought you were fine.”)

• Grief (“Was my childhood a lie?”)

• Anger (“Why now?”)

• Confusion (“Whose side do I take?”)

• Fear (“What does Christmas look like now?”)

They’re processing the loss of how they thought life was…
Not just how it really was.

It’s not immaturity.
It’s the collapse of their foundational story.

2. Communicate Honestly — Without Over-sharing

Your adult child doesn’t need the graphic details…but they DO need clarity.

You’re not protecting them by keeping everything vague.
Vagueness breeds anxiety.

Tell them:

• The divorce wasn’t their fault.

• The decision wasn’t sudden (even if it seems so).

• You’re moving forward with intention, not chaos

Give the truth without weaponising it.

Your goal isn’t to vilify your ex.
Your goal is to help your adult child make sense of the new reality without having to guess.

3. Don’t Turn Them Into Your Therapist

This is the trap many women fall into — especially after a long, painful marriage.

Your adult child may seem like the easiest person to talk to.
They’re empathetic. They care. They’re smart.
But when you use them as your emotional anchor, you reverse the parent-child dynamic.

And that creates:

• Resentment

• Emotional burden

• Role confusion

• Withdrawal

They might listen because they love you…but the weight is too heavy for them to carry.

Talk to a coach, a therapist, a mentor — not your child.

They deserve to be your child, not your counsellor.

4. Help Them Navigate the New Family Dynamics

Holidays. Birthdays. Graduations. Weddings. Grandchildren’s birthdays.

Grey divorce doesn’t remove these events — it complicates them.

Be proactive:

• Ask what they need.

• Be flexible.

• Remove pressure.

• Don’t make them choose sides.

• And never guilt them for decisions they make to preserve their own peace.
  

They’re trying to protect everyone — often at their own emotional expense.

Your job is to make the path easier, not heavier.

5. Be Respectful and Transparent About New Relationships

Adult children don’t need to be shielded from your new partner.
They need honesty and stability.

Introducing someone new is not the issue.
Springing it on them suddenly is.

Tell them early.
Tell them gently.
Tell them before major changes occur, like moving in together.

They don’t have to love your new partner —
but they do need to trust you.

6. Understand the Long-Term Ripple Effects

Research shows adult children of grey divorce often struggle with:

• Trust

• Relationship fears

• Worry about repeating your marriage patterns

• Anxiety about you being alone

• Financial fears

• Their own identity within the family

You can’t stop their ripple effects —
but you CAN soften them by:
listening, acknowledging, and reassuring without dumping.

7. Keep the Bond Strong Through Emotional Safety

If there is one thing adult children want from you right now, it’s this:

Your stability.
Your reassurance.
Your emotional leadership.

Not perfection.
Not pretending.
Just steadiness.

When you heal, you become their anchor.
When you grow, you show them what’s possible.
When you model emotional intelligence, they trust their own path more deeply.

Your healing becomes their permission slip to heal too.

Final Word: You Can Support Your Adult Children Without Losing Yourself

You are allowed to honour their emotion and yours.
You are allowed to keep your dignity without explaining every detail.
You are allowed to set boundaries without guilt.
You are allowed to protect your peace.
And you are allowed to create a beautiful next chapter — even if they need time to adjust.

Healing your relationship with them starts with healing your relationship with yourself.

Want guidance on navigating grey divorce with emotional intelligence, clarity and strength?

You don’t have to figure this out alone.

👉 Get information on how we can help you here:
https://bit.ly/m/Women-On-Transition

We’ll support you to heal, rebuild, and create a future that feels grounded, empowered and emotionally stable — for both you and your adult children.

By Fiona May – Women On Transition