The 5 Biggest Mistakes People Make When Going Through Divorce

We see a lot of women making costly decisions and fatal mistakes when it comes to navigating their divorces and settlements.

Here are a few of the unfortunate mistakes we see, and they can be very costly, in a financial and emotional sense.

Mistake 1. Throwing in the Towel Divorce has a way of grinding you down. Whether it is the emotional turmoil or the gruelling process, it can destroy your ability to make good decisions. The ongoing painful reminder of the relationship that didn’t fulfil its original promise, the constant conflict or stony silence all take their toll, and all you want to do is get away from it all, and you may want to do that at any cost. You may make compromises that do not serve you in the long run and against your legal advice because you just want it all to stop - “I'm sick of this, I just want out. I can’t deal with it anymore!” Coaching with me can help you restore your capacity for continuing forward and completing the process to help you stay on track and achieve your long-term goal. Someone telling you “No, don’t throw in the towel” doesn’t help – but restoring your ability to shift your perspective, allows you to regain the energy and the commitment to keep going.

Mistake 2: Taking on the “My Way or the Highway” Negotiating Style. In the course of an acrimonious divorce, both parties may dig in their heels and take the stance that they can bully their way through the process. One (or both!) may find an assertive Family Law Solicitor to do battle with the other party – and in the process incur a lot of legal fees. It is human nature: the harder one party pushes, the more the other party resists. The more right each needs to be about their position, the less likely it is that a reasonable agreement will be reached. The ability to negotiate effectively during the divorce is very challenging, particularly when your best thinking may be hijacked by your emotions. Emotionally driven decisions blind people to some of the other choices that may be better suited to their longer-term best interests. As a Divorce Coach, I can travel the path of the different choices with you to help you see what would be needed to support each choice. “My Way or the Highway” positions generally result in unnecessary legal fees and consequent emotional angst. Exploration with me can help avoid this.

Mistake 3: Don't forget that you and your spouse can make the decisions in the legal process of divorce, and don't rely on your Solicitor or a Judge to make the decisions. People may think that the answers to their settlement issues are going to come from appealing to a Judge to see it their way. It is in everyone's interest for you and your partner to reach an agreement. Sometimes this isn't possible, but the reality is that over 90% of cases settle without having to be determined by a Judge. In other words, the Judge doesn’t decide if you can decide among yourselves. If you can’t decide and your dispute goes to a contested hearing in Court, the Judge will make the decision for you, which neither party may be happy with. Why does this happen? It can be that anger, hurt, frustration, wanting to get even or maybe just wanting someone to see things your way can lead to not negotiating in good faith or accepting a fair offer. Getting embroiled in legal battles can take years of your life and leave both parties angry, bitter, much poorer and struggling to move forward with the burden of all that has gone on. Of course, all of this flows on to your children, who in addition to everything else, have to deal with parents at war with each other. Working with me can help you process your emotions keep you focused on your goals and weigh up all the alternatives to make the best decision for you and your family.

Mistake 4: Wanting Guarantees and Certainty Holding out for a guarantee or certainty can prevent you from understanding when an offer is a good deal. In all the uncertainty that comes with divorce, you may feel as though you deserve a guarantee or certainty, especially if you didn’t initiate the divorce; or you are so afraid of what the future may hold that the only way you will agree is to be certain that you will be taken care of no matter what happens down the road. Or you may understand the money and the concept behind the division of the assets but the other party cannot fully grasp the whole picture and you can’t see a way to agree. You are looking for terms in the agreement which cover every "What if?" It is unrealistic and unreasonable to expect a guarantee or certainty. You need to bear in mind that Court Orders, whether by agreement or after a contested hearing, can never provide for every possible contingency, but remember that if the parties cannot agree, then the Judge will determine the case according to the legislation and case law and not based on what either party wants. Whether you are the one demanding certainty, or you are being thwarted by someone who is unable to recognise the value of the offer being made, coaching can serve as a concierge in the process and help you tap into the right resources to help you understand how the agreement will play out.

Mistake 5: Betting the Farm on Another Relationship. You have found another relationship, and you believe that THIS relationship is permanent and will end in marriage – and you just want to move on. So, you are willing to give up your rights to speed up the divorce settlement. Right now, you are focused on just getting the divorce done so you can move on with this new relationship and may want to agree to anything just to be able to do so. It is not necessarily wrong – but it tends to be a big risk to take!

Once Orders are made, they are final … there is no going back. Be sure to understand and explore the risks in this pathway.

Understand what your risk tolerance is. Working together, you understand and explore the risks so that you can consider all the choices.

Get advice from the right source!

In the process of divorce, you will inevitably go looking for advice. You might ask a friend who has been through the process of a difficult divorce. Or you may intend to rely on your Family Law Solicitor for all the answers and all the support needed, which of course will come at a big cost.

Friends, family members and a lawyer may not be enough. Why?

✓ Who is there to help you, when you are on an emotional rollercoaster, to help you communicate better with your Solicitor?

✓ What other professional familiar with divorce is there to talk to when the Solicitor is not available?
✓ Who can be an objective third party to help you sort through and evaluate options for the decisions you will need to make?
✓ Who can help you make the best decisions to serve you in the long run and not based on pure emotion?

Working with a experienced Divorce Coach is a game changer for many women. Coaching can help you, or your friend or loved one, get organised for divorce, identify resources needed throughout the divorce process, help evaluate the decision-making in the context of goals and long-term concerns and explore options, help manage the implementation of the divorce agreement and generally guide and help through the rough spots in the process of divorce.

An experienced Divorce Coach is a sounding board and thinking partner and can say things that family members or close friends often won’t say and can be your champion, so you are supported in the decisions you make.

Visit https://womenontransition.com to get more information or book a call with me here to discuss how we can help you get through without wasting time and money.

Fiona May Steddy