Has your adult child cut off communication? How do you cope?

This is something that many women of estranged adult children often ask me. It hurts and the pain can feel unbearable.


It's normal to feel deep emotional pain, anger, guilt, sadness, shame, and a host of other emotions. All are legitimate so don't feel wrong for experiencing any of these emotions.

So how do you handle it, if it's happening to you?

How you react will affect the quality of your life. While each situation is unique, and there is no one-size-fits-all cure.



Mothers of estranged adult children can get through this, find acceptance, and even peace.

I want you to know I totally understand your suffering.

Many mothers I talk to try to repair things as they are so burdened and suffer as they feel incapable of changing the situation.



They often become obsessive, reaching out by writing letters, calling, emailing, and sending texts in an attempt to find out what’s wrong and just want to try to make things right.



Unfortunately, many of these attempts don't result in a satisfactory reconciliation.

"Why", you may ask? Because often communication is being given in a manner where the child can't hear it.




If there is a response, the reply usually lands as a justification and an attempt to state their own position.



Rarely does this communication come from the heart and in a manner that is heard and able to be absorbed by the other party.


This generally creates a stalemate, each holding onto their own pain, gathering evidence they are right and the dance continues.

So how do you move on when your heart is breaking and you can't have what you believe you need to have to be able to move forward?



I suggest that you look at your expectations, and deal with the real issues not just trying to get on with your life and find a way to live happily and successfully.

As is true in other areas of life, you cannot control another person's behavior. You can, though, make sound decisions about your own.




This seems like tough advice, and many ladies don't want to hear it as they are suffering so much.



Sometimes the more you want something, think it's unfair, and determined that you can force change, you can actually repel it.



By letting go, accepting reality, and committing to that, you can create a space for you to deal with the pain and ease your own suffering but there's a second part to get breakthrough healing.




This also creates a safe place for the child to lean into if and when they are ready.

Below I have listed some ideas of ways you can cope when your adult child cuts you out of their life, BUT they are just coping methods and what is usually prescribed by every therapist...

I believe they aren't the actual REAL answer, but my solution is much harder to achieve because it requires that you are courageous and prepared to look within yourself, face your own demons and do some work on yourself... and if you are prepared to do that, you will have a much better chance of rebuilding the relationship.



But unfortunately, when it comes down to it, it is the road less traveled….

Coping Ideas Prescribed By Mainstream Therapists and Coaches:

Allow yourself to grieve. It is a shocking loss.

Don’t try to pretend it doesn't hurt, but along with (or after) crying, being angry, etc., begin to take action toward making yourself (your feelings) and your life (how you spend your time) better.

Think of other hard things you’ve gotten through, and tell yourself you CAN and WILL get through this too.

Accept that your future is different than you expected and accept the uncertainty that goes with an adult child’s estrangement.

Allow yourself to believe you can have a good future, even though your path has taken a twist.

Get involved in new things, old things that make you happy, or activities you can enjoy.

If you can’t figure out what happened, make a decision to give up asking why. Try to look at it from their side.



There may be something going on you aren't aware of.

Be careful not to blame and create a triangle by holding a third party responsible. I often see women blaming their ex for turning their children against them, or a son/daughter in law.

Focus on the good relationships, and the good parts of your life — and multiply them.

Don’t worry about the judgment of other people, and forgive them for it. But also protect yourself from people who are hurtful to you.

Find activities that fulfill your need to give and receive (love, help, generosity, kindness, etc).

You can see that the coping suggestions above are all sound, and make sense.



BUT they are just coping methods and that's why they are prescribed by many therapists.

Again, I don't believe they are the REAL answer...

As a transition coach, I have been trained in strategic intervention and I have seen this approach have much better life-altering results.

See, I work with mothers who have been doing all of the above.



They make themselves busy, put their focus on rebuilding their lives, they try to forget, they try not to care, they ignore when they are triggered, and it is exhausting...

Their hearts are still breaking. The pain is intolerable and they get resentful of the people who tell them to move on.


They think about their loss all the time.


They try to forget it but it is never far from their thoughts.


They play it over and over again in their head.


They blame themselves and question what they could have or should have done differently.


They blame their ex and resent the OW for causing the breakdown.


And they often end up resenting the child as they aren't open to reconciling.

This affects everything in their lives. It affects their relationship with their other kids, their health, sanity, and stops them from being happy and even finding new love.

If you've been trying to divert your attention and keep yourself busy using the bandaid approach above, but have proven to yourself it hasn't bought you the peace you've been hoping and praying would come in time, maybe it's time you got REAL and considered a new approach...

If so, I'm happy to provide some clarity. But I need to warn you, my method isn't for those who aren't prepared to invest in their own growth, committed to getting a positive result and if you are prepared to be coachable, I can assure you it will give you the best chance of bringing about a reconciliation.

This is a highly emotional topic and one close to many of your hearts. If it triggers you, just breathe through the emotions, feel them, let them sit with you, and love yourself for being present and experiencing the process.

Fiona May

P.S.
Smart women need help as well. Women on Transition offers FREE resources that will help you to move forward. Click here, and register and get access to our free training. It’s about time that you find real healing, growth, and love.